2003-09-21 - 12:57 a.m.

I am sick to death of being 100 lbs fuckin dammit! So...I am starting a fast. An 8 day fast, that will consist of water, diet coke, tea w/splenda and juice if absolutely needed(no going over 100 cals tho)

I just have been so depressed lately I can't take it anymore. So much stuff is going on in my life right now. I have friends threatening me, teachers threatening me, a new councillor trying to force me into telling her stuff so she can run and tell my Mom...and plus she is trying to put me on all sorts of medication...just wut I need, being dependent on sleeping pills and anxiety pills...hooray...Another problem for Fiona. I have only seen her once, because I was gone last Monday when she was at the school...but ALREADY she left a big long message on my Mom's phone like saying every little thing that I had said during our first "talk" and I didn't hardly SAY ANYTHING. Garr...she was like "We need to set an appointment so all 3 of us can talk, blah blah blah." The friggin message was like 10 minutes long all about me. Does she think I don't know how to check messages? MY GOD. And she told me that everything is in confidence...unless this or that, or this happens...and the list was like a page long of what she call tell my Mom...NOW im definitely not telling her anything. If I cut myself, or have suicidal thoughts/tendencies, if I starve myself, if I'm depressed or doing drugs...she can say something to teachers and parents...what the fuck! What other problems IS THERE. Seriously. Whats the point of going to her if I can't talk to her about any of that stuff. I'm not telling her anything, because I know she will tell my Mom, and like...fuck THAT. I don't want anyone to know until I am skinny enough, and I am too fat to be told on right now. Stupid councillor trying to ruin everything.

Anyway, one of my teachers is going around telling everyone that I am on drugs...Fuck her. "Sorry, not drugs Mrs. Kvill, just manic depression, anxiety attacks, chronic insomnia, plus anorexia & bulimia." With all that, I think I have a right to be DISORIENTED every once in a while, don't you think? Whatever. She can go burn in hell. I am sorry this entry is so PSYCHO lol but umm...yeah...I'm an angry girl at the moment. I want to be 92 lbs by next Sunday, so hopefully I can pull this fast off. If not well then...I might as well go shoot myself and get it over with.

Hmmm...the only thing good that has happened in the last week is ordering my class ring. It was fun and I am very excited about getting it. Lets just hope I graduate now. HAhaha that would be nice huh?

I had picture day at school on Thursday...not excited about seeing those. Nope. Not one bit. Oh, and in my Com Tech Class I am making a movie type thing, and I have to be on camera...and lets just say YUCK. I dress pretty slutty because I am Chrstina Aguilera (we are making fun of music awards) and yeah...I am fat & ugly and I should never be on camera ever again. Why do I want to be an actress again? So everyone can see all my imperfections. Riiiiiiiight. Ok then.

Anyway, I have blabbed enough. OH, forget to say that I get my test results back sometime this week...so thats going to be scary...I hope they don't find out about ana, and if they do...well I gotta loose as much weight from now until then. Anyway, g2g now.

Laterz