2003-07-15 - 6:45 p.m.

Well, I'm back. And I don't even know where to start...My weekend was great when it comes to a normal every day life. The concert was kick ass, and I had so much fun. But...there is bad news. On Saturday, I was doing good and totally keeping to my fast...and then I went to the bathroom and saw myself for the first time in the mirror. It was one of those full length mirrors, and I studied myself for about 5 minutes looking at my body from every angle. I saw myself not as fat, not as obese, not as thin, but as disgustingly tiny...unhealthy looking...I had only a mini skirt on and a bandana tied around me as a shirt...and I couldn't even believe that the person in the mirror was me. I left the bathroom, and I asked my boy friend "can you tell I'm ana?" And he kind of blushed and he didn't really know what to say..cause he didn't want to make me feel bad...and then he finally said "yeah Fiona, you can really tell." So...then I ate. I ate like a mofo. I ate like I hadn't eaten in a year. And I was happy. Eating like a normal person made me happy. I was acting like I didn't care about my weight, like I wasn't anorexic...and I had a great weekend. Then...when i got home...it was a whole new situation. After eating all weekened, I weighed 105 lbs. I made myself sick. I feel sick. I feel so bloated and disgusting. I feel like such a failure. So yesterday, I was going to start a fast again. THEN...My Mom started talking about living in Ontario and she was looking at houses on the internet...she wants to move before school, and it really sounds like we are going to leave. We are going to sell the house, and move to Ontario. The whole point of this was to be skinny for school. To show everyone how skinny I could get. If I moved away, what's the point? They wont see me anyway. I'm not going to say bye to them. I probably wont even tell anyone, that's how much I hate them. So then I ate again yesterday, and today as well. Today I was 108 lbs and I cried. All the work for nothing. Most of it is probably water/food weight, but still. I have decided to keep going with this. Maybe I will fast tomorrow. I feel so fat and disgusting. I'm such a failure.