2003-06-27 - 3:21 a.m.

I guess I should tell you why I am like this and why I feel the need to drive myself to be thin. I have been struggling with bulimia since gr. 6, developed anorexia in gr. 8, and took a downward plunge in Gr. 9. I went from 125 lbs at 5'5 to 104 lbs in Grade 9. I discovered not just anorexia, but anorexia and bulimia and how much better they work when you combined the two. I did this with my friend Marisa, and we made a pact to lose weight for the summer. She was a figure skater at the time, and I was just sick and tired of being fat. By June of grade 9, I had reached 104 lbs and started to scare myself. Marisa and I had promised each other that we would tell someone if our eating disorders got bad, and Marisa told a teacher what I was doing to myself the last day of school before summer holidays. It was humiliating, but he was so nice about it and gave me some help lines to phone. Of course, I never phoned them. He made me believe that I didn't have to be perfect, and I gave up my eating disorder that summer. I gained all the weight I had lost in 2 months, and was scared shitless at what I had done to myself. I starved myself the last week before school and reached 112 and managed to maintain the weight. My friend Marisa, however, kept going and reached a scary 84 lbs by that November. It was my turn to tell on her, and I told her phys ed teacher what she was doing to herself. Now, I am going into Gr. 12, and she's going into Gr. 11, and we have both been trying to loose weight since January. Nothing has worked. She is 120 lbs, and I remain at 108 lbs. We are both absolutely disgusted with ourselves. We have tried everything, and we cannot motivate each other anymore. We have made a competition to see who can lose the most weight over the summer holidays. So, here I am. Her goal is to be 5'4 and 100 lbs, and my goal is to be 5'7 and 90 lbs. I want this more than anything in the world, and I am sick to death of trying and trying and giving up all the fuckin time. I am sick of it. I WILL SUCCEED THIS TIME DAMMIT. Hunger is only a craving right? I'm ready to starve myself and watch the numbers decline on the scale...